Counter-Surfing Ring Broken Up; One Loaf of Bread Recovered

Columbus — A sophisticated counter-surfing operation was dismantled this week after a single, fatal miscalculation: a tag jingled at the worst possible moment.

Investigators believe the suspect had been monitoring the cooling loaf for some time, waiting for the kitchen to empty. The plan, by all accounts elegant, was foiled when a human returned for a forgotten coffee mug and caught the operation mid-reach.

The loaf was recovered largely intact. The suspect, when questioned, offered only the universal defense of the wide-eyed and innocent. “He looked so guilty he practically confessed,” one witness said. Sentencing is expected to involve a stern look and a closed pantry door.