Dog Community Rates Summer Releases Solely on the Presence of Dogs

Columbus — The region’s most trusted film critics released their seasonal rankings this week, applying their famously consistent methodology: a film is good if a dog is in it, and improved considerably if that dog is treated well.

Plot, dialogue, and cinematography were noted but ultimately deemed irrelevant. One acclaimed feature lost three paws for a scene in which a perfectly nice dog was left at home.

“We are not difficult to please,” said one critic. “We ask only that there be a dog, and that the dog be happy. Everything else is set dressing.”