Columbus Dogs Reject the Five-Second Rule as Far Too Generous

Columbus — A spirited debate over the so-called five-second rule has been settled decisively by the dog community, which considers any delay between a dropped morsel and its recovery to be reckless.

“Five seconds?” scoffed one incredulous beagle. “In five seconds it could be gone. It could be reconsidered. It could be picked back up by the human. You move now.”

Reaction times in the kitchen continue to be the envy of every other sport, with the under-counter elite clocking recoveries that defy belief.