Mail Carrier Cleared of All Charges Again; Dogs Vow to Appeal

Columbus — In a verdict that stunned absolutely no one but the plaintiffs, the neighborhood mail carrier was once again cleared of all alleged offenses, including trespass, conspiracy, and the suspicious daily delivery of envelopes.

The prosecution, led by a coalition of porch-window dogs, argued that the carrier’s repeated approach to the front door constituted a clear and ongoing threat. The defense countered, persuasively, that delivering the mail is a job.

“We respect the ruling and we will be appealing it tomorrow at approximately the same time,” a spokesdog announced. The carrier, for the record, has never once been caught, a fact the department finds deeply humbling.