Squeaky-Toy Charts Shaken Up by a Surprise New Number One

Columbus — The squeaky-toy charts saw a dramatic upset this week as a small rubber duck of unusually high pitch rocketed to the top spot, displacing a beloved but increasingly silent veteran.

Critics praise the duck’s “relentless energy” and “complete disregard for the hour.” Humans, surveyed separately, expressed a different view, which the charts have respectfully declined to publish.

“It speaks to me,” said one devoted owner of the duck, squeaking it forty times in a row. “And I answer.”