Squirrel Pursuit Standings Tighten as Season Heats Up

Columbus — The competitive squirrel-pursuit circuit remains as thrilling and as scoreless as ever, with local contenders logging impressive distances and zero official captures, a statistic competitors insist misses the point entirely.

“The goal was never the squirrel,” explained one breathless veteran, gazing up a tree with undimmed devotion. “The goal is the pursuit. The squirrel is merely the excuse.”

League officials confirmed the season will continue indefinitely, as it always has, and always will.