Police Blotter: Squirrel Still at Large After Brazen Daylight Fence Crossing

Columbus — Authorities confirmed this week that the suspect known only as “The Squirrel” remains at large following another daylight crossing of the back fence, an act witnesses described as “provocative” and “frankly disrespectful.”

The department’s lead investigator, a beagle of considerable experience, has maintained continuous surveillance from the living-room window, pausing only for meals, naps, and the occasional bark of warning. Despite this vigilance, the suspect continues to taunt officers from the safety of the oak tree.

“We had him. We absolutely had him,” the investigator insisted, pressing his nose to the glass. “Next time the door opens, justice will be served.” The public is advised the squirrel is considered fast, smug, and armed with an acorn.