Local Households Advised the Vacuum Is Still Not To Be Trusted

Columbus — Community leaders renewed their long-standing warning this week regarding the household vacuum, an appliance that continues to roam freely and emit an alarming and frankly disrespectful noise.

“We have monitored it for years,” said one vigilant schnauzer, supervising from a safe distance behind the sofa. “It sleeps in the closet. It pretends to be helpful. We are not fooled.”

Residents are advised to bark at the device proportionally, supervise its movements, and accept treats as compensation for the emotional labor involved.