Tug-of-War Finals End, As Always, in Dignified Disagreement

Columbus — The season’s tug-of-war competition reached its traditional conclusion this week, with both ends of the rope claiming a decisive and total victory.

The sport, beloved for its simplicity and its full-body growl, rewards leverage, a low center of gravity, and an unshakable conviction that letting go is not an option. Officials confirmed the rope was, in the end, retained by the dog, as is customary.

“There is no losing tug,” said one champion through a mouthful of rope. “There is only not yet winning.”